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And then there’s the whole mission thing. I want to go. I don’t want to go. I want to teach the gospel and watch peoples’ eyes light with understanding. I am terrified to be away from home for so long. No, only for 6 months longer than I have been away from home this year. But I can’t talk to my parents and siblings weekly like I do here. But I can write. And they can write. But what are the chances that my brothers and sister will write? After all, I hardly wrote to my brothers. But Ashley said she would write. She said it might be fun to have a Pen Pal again. But she’s in college, and works, and may not have time. ...Maybe I’m getting my hopes up. But maybe not.
But what about the Narcolepsy? I know that I will fall asleep right when I get to someone’s house. I will fall asleep during lessons. I will fall asleep during scripture study—both personal and companion. I will fall asleep during prayer. I’ll be walking like a zombie, none comprehensive of anything around me. I’ll fall asleep during zone meetings, church, and everything in between.
But there are always priesthood blessings. There are blessings just from the fact that I’m a missionary. My family will get blessings. I will be able to present the blessing of the gospel to people. I will learn. And grow. But I will be pushed beyond my limits. But they won’t be beyond my limits because Heavenly Father would not give me something I can’t handle. But it scares the crap out of me. But what about the blessings. But I’m so scared of everything. What about the food? I’m a picky eater. And what if Eric gets married while I’m gone? But this is one way of getting my endowments so that I can go to the temple. And I want them. But I want to see Eric come out of the temple with his bride. And I want to know her before Eric marries her. But if he doesn’t get married while I am gone, then I’ll be able to be in the temple when he does get married. And when Lynz gets married, then I’ll be able to go through the temple with her. And I’ll be able to be there when she gets married. Whether I’m married or not.
But I’m scared. I don’t know if I’m supposed to go. But I have time. Time to decide after I get home.
But I look at this and say to myself, “You moron. You have your answer. Look at what you’re writing. Not to mention the fact that you’re blubbering like Niagara Falls.”
But I retaliate with “yeah, but am I ready? And I haven’t been doing my scripture study, or been too diligent in my prayers. And I hate going to things like firesides and stuff after I get home from church. Will I be able to handle everything else a mission entails? Is this really the spirit telling me to go?”
And an inner voice that I’m trying to ignore keeps saying, “Duh.”
“But I’m scared.”
“Of what?”
“I don’t know. Everything. Being alone.”
“But you’re not alone.”
“I know.”
“Then why are you scared?”
“I don’t know. People rejecting the gospel.”
“But what about those will accept?”
“I know…”
“So... You have your answer? Because it looks to me like God has forethought all of your fears and has already told you all of the answers.”
“I know.”
“So, is that a yes?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do.”
And that’s when I stop. Because I can’t keep arguing. Because I think I know the answer, but I need to be at home so that I can talk with my parents and the bishop and everyone else that will tell me to go.
Because fear keeps asking me, “Are you supposed to go?"
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This inner battle is quite a bit more extensive than what I wrote here, but when I was writing I was crying like crazy and I had a million thoughts racing through my head. So, that's my excuse if things don't quite flow logically and for not listing the other half of my concerns. I promise that in my head, things made a lot more sense.
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